


Heartbeat

by lucy_in_the_sky



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Connor Lives AU, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, a lil angsty, just let them be happy gosh, mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts, treeboys - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-11-19 18:19:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11318982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucy_in_the_sky/pseuds/lucy_in_the_sky
Summary: Connor hadn't come to first period. Or second. Or to school at all. Lunch was when Evan started to get worried and finally decided to find Zoe.He found the girl in question by her locker right before the start of fifth period.She said she hadn't seen Connor leave his room that morning. Or last night. Really, she hadn't seen him since school the day before.So Evan began his regularly scheduled descent into panic.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I've seen some fan art going around of Connor finding out why Evan broke his arm and I wanted to write my own take on how I think the scene would play out. Also this is way sadder if you read it in the middle of the night when you're sleep deprived and just listened to that cut song Cynthia sings about Connor so yeah.

Evan rubbed his hands soothingly up and down his boyfriend's trembling back. They were curled up on Connor's bed with all the lights off and the covers pulled up to their chins. 

Connor hadn't come to first period. Or second. Or to school at all. 

Lunch was when Evan started to get worried. 

He had texted Connor multiple times during first period AP English Language after he didn't show. Then again throughout Spanish. 

He had sent twelve unread texts by the end of lunch. 

Evan then decided to find Zoe. 

He found the girl in question by her locker right before the start of fifth period. 

She said she hadn't seen Connor leave his room that morning. Or last night. Really, she hadn't seen him since school the day before. 

Evan's leg couldn't stop shaking throughout fifth and sixth period. He was seriously thinking about cutting class just to check in on his boyfriend and he never did anything like that. He was terrified. 

The second he heard the drone of the bell at 2:15, he was jumping out of his desk and running outside. He was lucky. His mom had finally let him start driving again because he was showing some improvement with his anxiety while behind the wheel. 

Evan slammed the heavy door behind him and drove to his boyfriend's house, turning the normally ten minute trip into five minutes. 

Evan rushed through the unlocked door, not bothering to knock because he knew no one was home. Zoe had band and Connor's parents tried to be at home as little as possible. But Evan didn't have time to feel sorry for the Murphy's broken family. 

The twenty steps up the carpeted staircase seemed to stretch on for forever. 

Connor's room was unlocked (not voluntarily, Larry had taken the lock out after Connor's last suicide attempt) so Evan frantically pushed the door open, realizing at the last second that he should maybe be a little more cautious. He didn't know what was on the other side of the wooden door. 

Inside, there was a Connor shaped lump lying underneath piles of fuzzy blankets. 

There was a terrifying second where Evan wondered if he was even alive. 

Evan cautiously stepped into the room, letting out a breath of relief when the lump rose and fell with the intake of oxygen. 

"C-Connor?"

Evan wasn't really sure if Connor could hear him or not. 

"Connor, I'm gonna come a-and sit by you, okay?"

He disregarded what he was taught and took the lack of a no as a yes, moving forwards to sit on the side of Connor's queen sized bed next to what he presumed to be Connor's upper legs. 

He reached out his hand and gently began to run little circles into the boyfriend shaped blob next to him. 

After about ten minutes, the blob moved underneath Evan's fingers, uncurling and opening up to reveal a more human shaped lump. 

After a tad more wiggling, Connor's head poked out of the top of the covers, just to where his eyes were. 

Evan stared into those sapphire eyes, silently communicating with the broken boy underneath all those layers of blankets and insecurities. 

Connor looked at Evan. And continued to look. Just kind of stared at his face, not really making eye contact but kind of yeah but it was enough for Evan because Connor was alive and conscious and he didn't really know what to expect when he bolted through his boyfriend's door. 

"D-do you wanna talk about it?" He questioned with a soft voice. 

Connor failed to reply but Evan didn't miss how his eyes started to look shiny and the top of his nose got a little red and okay, Connor was gonna cry. 

But as Evan had found when dealing with his boyfriend in past scenarios, any emotion was better than no emotion so he'll take crying. 

He knew Connor hated pity so he kept his puppy eyes and cooing sounds to a minimum as he reached down to brush away a strand of Connor's long auburn locks that had fallen out of his messy bun. 

Connor reached his hand up and grabbed Evan's wrist while it was still on his face. He tugged a little bit then dropped his hand back into the sea of blankets. 

Evan had actually gotten pretty good at reading Connor's silent and cryptic signals in the time that they had been dating. Connor still didn't like to ask for help from anyone and had a hard time saying things like "I'm sorry" or "I don't want you to leave" or "I need you to help me cause I can't help myself". But Evan knew when he was sorry by the expression in his eyes and he knew when he needed him to stay by the placement of his hands or where Connor was looking and basically he'd been studying the little gestures and looks Connor would supply him with to be able to love on his boyfriend in the way Connor needed. 

And right now he needed cuddles. 

Evan peeled back the couple layers of warmth and tucked his feet into the blankets, wiggling down to where he was lying right next to Connor. Connor quickly folded his body around Evan. Sure, he was the one who needed help right now, but Evan was just such a perfect little spoon, and Connor was so much taller than Evan that the other way around would just be weird and uncomfortable. 

So Evan let his boyfriend wrap his gangly arms around his waist and tuck his face into the crook of his neck. 

He leaned down and kissed Connor's freckled hands, trying to silently express how much he loved and cared about the man behind him. He wasn't as good at these silent conversations as Connor, but he thinks he got his point across. 

He's sure it worked because now he felt the body behind him shake with silent sobs which Connor only ever does when his tough guy facade breaks and Evan actually can get to the real Connor. 

"Hey, hey, it's okay, you're gonna be okay, I've got you, I love you," 

Evan turned around in Connor's arms, pulling his boyfriend's face closer to his body and rubbing his back in soothing circles. He whispered calming words into the sobbing boy's ear and let Connor cry out whatever he's feeling. 

Connor gripped Evan impossibly harder, as if the tighter he squeezed, the more emotion he can pass on to the blonde boy. 

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, Evan, I'm so selfish, I'm sorry-" 

"-Hey, no, no, don't say that, Connor, shhh baby, you're not selfish at all,"

Connor's sobs had started to subside, giving him the opportunity to start babbling apologies. This is usually when Connor liked to talk about what's on his heart, spilling his feelings in rushed sputters. 

"Connor, baby, wanna tell me why you think you're selfish?"

Connor tucked his face deeper into Evan's neck but didn't say "no" so Evan waited. He'd wait for weeks if that's what it took for Connor to talk to him. 

But he only had to wait a couple minutes. 

Connor's head lifted ever so slightly from the nest it's made where Evan's shoulder met his neck. 

He looked so young. He looked so small and vulnerable, like he was a hurt child looking at the man he trusted most in life. It broke Evan's heart. 

"I, uhm, I, Evan-"

He whimpered and tucked his face back into the warmth of his boyfriend's sturdy body. 

"Hey, Connor, you can tell me anything, I'm here, I'm here," 

Connor took a deep and shaky breath, steeling himself to talk again. 

"It came back really bad and I'm so sorry for being selfish I'm sorry forgive me I love you," 

But what Evan heard was 

"Itcamebackreallybadandimsosorryforbeingselfishimsorryforgivemeevaniloveyou," 

But Evan is very familiar with trying to speak passages using only one breath so he understood. But that didn't make him feel any better. 

"W-what came back?" 

Gosh, now he sounded so small. 

"Evan, I just, ugh, I feel so helpless sometimes, you know this, and and I almost killed myself last summer, you know this too, but-but I haven't felt that desperate for a really long time. Meeting you, loving you, it's helped me." 

Evan felt touched but knew there was obviously more to the story. 

He held Connor tighter but gave him enough room to keep his head off Evan's neck, allowing continued eye contact (however watery it was). 

"I-I felt that desperate last night. Well, this morning because it was three am but you get the point."

At this point, both boys had tears running down their faces, Evan leaned down to kiss them off of Connor's freckled cheeks. 

"I feel so selfish because what-what would that do to you a-and now Zoe and I have a better relationship, not perfect but so much better than before I met you, and there's Alana and Jared if they count but mostly there's you. 

"I just feel so...so alone? Like, like nobody would even miss me or even notice I'm gone. Which, of course I know isn't true, but I just feel so lost that s-suicide is the only way out?"

He looked away when he was finished. Evan didn't know what to say.

But he knew exactly how Connor felt. 

And that made it harder to hear. 

"I, I know how you feel..." 

Connor made a disbelieving sound and turned his face back to Evan, showing off a confused look. 

"Evan, no offense, but your problem is that you feel too much. I feel...nothing," 

"Y-yeah, no, I know, but the, uhm, the feeling that s-suicide is the only way out, I, uhm, I've felt that?"

Connor sat up at this, looking even more confused. He pulled Evan up, forcing him to look at him. 

"What do you mean?" He sounded scared. That's not good. 

"Uhm, I, well, uhm," 

He felt panic begin to rise in his chest. He's never told anyone this. Not his mom. Not his therapist. Not Connor (duh). 

"Evan," it sounded kinda sympathetic and kinda urgent and kinda desperate and Evan was gonna cry again. Scratch that, Evan was crying again. 

"Y-you know when I broke m-my arm?" 

That was as far as he got. 

Connor filled in the blanks. 

Evan cried. 

Connor's arms suddenly left the spot where they were glued to his sides in shock and reached down around his breaking down boyfriend. 

Evan hadn't really had a time to revisit the thoughts that plagued him last summer. 

He now understood why he pushed away his problems instead of trying to fight them. 

This fucking hurt. 

Connor held on tight as Evan lost what little control he had. He let go and allowed sobs to take over, doing that ugly cry that he promised to never let Connor see, but he couldn't really stop himself right now and he thinks he might possibly explode if he tried to hold these alligator cries in. 

Connor cried with him. He sobbed into Evan's hair, gripping Evan tighter. 

"I'm so sorry, Ev! I'm so sorry you had to feel like that-" he sobbed. 

"-y-you felt that way t-too-" 

"I know-that's why it's even harder to hear that you feel it, too," 

The change of tense did not go unnoticed by Evan. 

"Feel? No, Connor, since me-meeting and loving you, I, I haven't felt that alone and hopeless," 

"-that's good, that's so good," 

"Well, yeah, but, y-you feel that way sometimes, and I wanna try? To help?" 

Connor pulled out of the soul crushing hug and looked the love of his life in his face. 

"Of course, Ev. And I don't get that way often, ya know," 

"Y-yeah, no, I know," Evan sounded small. "I just wanna be there for you more," 

Connor made a wounded sound. 

"Evan, you are already here for me in ways I can't put into words! I was sitting in my bad last night with a bottle of pills and the only thing that kept me from swallowing all of them was the thought of your face so don't say you don't help me enough," 

At this point Evan had stopped crying a little, finally gaining some composure but at Connor's words, well, he couldn't help the flow of salty tears down his cheeks. 

"Connor, I love you so much," 

Connor pulled the smaller boy into yet another hug. 

"I know, I know, I love you too, I love you so fucking much," 

They just sat there hugging and crying and wiping tears and whispering love declarations and it was actually really calming. 

Evan knew they should talk more about what they both confessed that night, but right now was the time for comfort and healing and tomorrow they would dive into the mess of their mental states. It was tomorrow's problem. 

They stayed wrapped in each other's shaking arms, not letting go in fear of losing the boy they cared so deeply for. 

Evan doesn't really know when they moved to lay down, but obviously they had because he was now laying down with his head leaning against Connor's chest and that was actually really relaxing because he could hear the steady beating of Connor's heart. 

Ba-dum 

Ba-dum 

Ba-dum

He felt himself get lulled to sleep by the rhythmic beats. 

Connor's arms never left the spot they had found wrapped around the smaller boy. 

Evan snuggled closer to Connor's heartbeat, leaning into Connor's warmth. 

Ba-dum 

Ba-dum

Ba-dum

He found that he could stay there forever. 

Or until he woke up and got hungry because he didn't really eat anything that day except cereal in the morning and Cynthia made the best pancakes when she wasn't on a gluten free diet (which she just happened to quit last month). 

But for now, he couldn't be more content. 

Evan closed his eyes and surrendered to the pull of sleep. It had been a long day. 

He was lucky to have the boy lying next to him. 

Lucky to have his smile and his humor and his sense of reality and his comfort and his heartbeat. 

Ba-dum

Ba-dum

Ba-dum.


	2. Chapter 2

Evan was jolted awake with a sharp pain in his shin. His eyes shot open but all he could see was darkness and the vague silhouette of his boyfriend lying beside him. 

He groaned as he rolled over in the too-small-for-two-teenage-boys bed to face Connor's bedside table. 

Evan picked up his phone to check the time, groaning again when he saw how early it was. 

"It's 2:38, no one should even be allowed to be awake right now," he whined. 

It was no secret that Evan was (somewhat impressively) neither a morning nor a night person. 

But then he remembered why he was brutally pulled out of his slumber. 

Connor had kicked him. But the boy in question was still sleeping. 

So he had had a dream. 

'Or a nightmare,' the not so happy part of his brain supplied him. 

Well, yeah, that too. It could've been a nightmare. 

Evan waited for a few minutes, listening for any distressed sounds coming from the boy lying next to him or any indication he was having a less than pleasant dream. But there was nothing. So Evan went back to sleep. 

But not five minutes later he heard a faint whimper and a mumble of half formulated cries. 

So nightmare. 

He was immediately wide awake and turning over to face his love. 

"Hey Connor, baby, I need you to wake up," he whispered. 

He tried to gently shake Connor's shoulder but his hand was pushed away and Connor curled more into himself. 

"Connor," Evan spoke again, "wake up, Con, it's just a bad dream," 

He flicked on the lamp by the bed and moved to sit up. 

Connor's brow was wet with sweat and his face was twisted in agony. The sight nearly broke Evan's heart. 

"Connor, baby," he got progressively more anxious. 

"Connor!" 

He gave one final shake. 

Connor shot up. 

His face twisted with shock as he immediately reached out for Evan and pulled the smaller boy into his chest, sobbing into Evan's dirty blonde hair. 

All Evan could do was sit there, holding onto his boyfriend with all his strength, and let the other boy cry into his head. 

He moved his hands up and down Connor's back, repeating motions from the night before. 

"C-Connor, you're okay, I'm here, I've got you," he whispered into Connor's clammy skin. 

Connor just squeezed him tighter, letting out another round of sobs above the shorter boy. 

It took six agonizing minutes for Connor to finally get his breathing under control. Once he'd regained power over his lungs, he began to mumble into Evan's hair, words obstructed from Evan's ears. 

"What was that, baby," 

Connor just stopped talking and held onto Evan. 

Evan made a protesting grunt and pushed away from Connor enough to see his tear stained face. 

"Talk to me?" 

Connor looked so sad but managed a response. 

"I had...a dream," 

Evan nodded as a way to tell him to continue. 

"You, you were in it," 

His face twisted as he relived the dream. 

"O-okay," 

He nodded and prepared himself to continue. He sat back on his heels. 

"And you, well, uhm, it wasn't this blunt but you,"

Connor whimpered and took Evan's hands in his own. 

"You died and you kept dying no matter how hard I tried so save you!" He blurted. 

Evan blinked in shock. 

Connor started crying again but Evan couldn't bring himself to move. 

"I love you so much and th-this dream felt so real and I love you and I never want to relive that and please don't die, I love you," 

Evan teared up at Connor's words, tears not yet spilling over, but pooling in his eyes like they always do in comics. 

Through his blurred vision, Evan watched as Connor reached up to hold his face, thumb stroking his cheek in steady strokes. 

"I love you, I love you, I love you," Connor kept repeating like a mantra. 

He pressed his forehead against Evan's. 

"Don't leave me," Connor whispered breathily. 

"I-I don't wanna die anymore," Evan hears himself confess. 

This came as a shock to him. Saying these words and having them actually be true. 

He realized that he actually didn't want to die. 

He didn't

He didn't want to die. 

"I don't wanna die," he said with more force. 

"Connor, I don't-" his voice cracked and the rest of his statement got caught in his throat. 

"Good, good, great, shh, baby, I'm so glad you don't wanna die,"

Connor wrapped him in his arms again. 

They were both crying now, Evan's tears pooling into Connor's shoulder and Connor's dripping down his face onto Evan's back. 

Sobs overtook Evan as all the feelings he'd been dealing with flooded his sleep deprived mind. 

The two boys held onto each other like anchors in the midst of a storm. 

"I love you so so so much, I want you to know that," Connor whispered into the dark. 

Evan sniffled and pulled out of Connor's gangly arms. 

He looked up shyly at his boyfriend and though for a second before leaning in. (He was still kinda getting used to kissing Connor without asking for permission.) 

Connor met him halfway and closed the distance between their lips, locking Evan in a watery kiss. 

Evan pulled away, whispering his own "I love you too," and moving to lay down again. 

Connor shuffled down in the bed, wrapping his duvet over both him and Evan. 

Evan curled into himself, giving Connor the space to curl around him. 

He stroked up and down Evan's arm as they drifted back into sleep. 

Right before Evan surrendered to sleep, he felt Connor kiss his temple and whisper, 

"I love you more than anything, my love,"

He smiled through the haze of sleep. 

Connor got comfy behind him, resting his head against Evan's shoulder.

His breathing evened out, the telltale sign of his slumber. 

Evan was quick to follow, falling asleep to the rhythm of Connor's breathing against his back, feeling loved and protected and enough.


End file.
